Have you ever said yes to something important, a commitment you genuinely care about, and then felt nothing but dread as the date approached?
You know you should be excited. You know it matters. But instead of anticipation, you feel overwhelmed, anxious, maybe even a little resentful.
And then the guilt sets in: What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just be excited about this?
If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone. It’s a pretty typical human response. But there are ways to redirect those thoughts and ease frustration.
This is exactly what came up during a recent practice coaching session, though it’s not what we started talking about at all.
How Coaching Uncovers What’s Really Going On
She didn’t come to me with a specific problem to solve. We began by catching up because she’d recently made a big decision about her future and was feeling good about it.
But as we talked, something else surfaced. She mentioned feeling frustrated with herself lately, like she was just going through the motions instead of showing up with her usual enthusiasm for everything.
That’s when I asked for some specific examples of where this is showing up, because it’s usually in the concrete examples that we can unpack what’s really bothering us.
And that’s when she mentioned the weekend trip.
The Problem: When “Should” Becomes a Weight
She had a celebration coming up for a friend whose friendship she truly valued. She was committed to going. She wanted to be there for her friend.
But she wasn’t feeling it.
Instead, she felt overwhelmed by everything the trip would require: a long drive alone, time away from schoolwork, energy she wasn’t sure she had. She felt disappointed in herself, anxious about the weekend, and frustrated that she couldn’t just want to go 100%.
The thought that kept circling in her mind? “I should want to drive to this celebration 100% because I’m committed to this friendship.”
And when she couldn’t muster that 100% enthusiasm? She felt disappointed in herself, which provoked anxiety and frustration.
The Session: Finding What’s Underneath the “Should”
As we kept talking, I asked her a simple question: “What makes you excited about things? What lights you up?”
She didn’t have to think long. She loves her friends. She loves feeling energetic, being active, having purpose and deep meaning in what she does.
So I asked another question: “What about this weekend could give you those things you love?”
And that began the shift.
She started talking about the friends she’d get to see and catch up with. Family she could visit. Favorite places she could stop at. The drive itself (which had felt like a burden) could become time to listen to music she loves and catch up on podcasts she’d been wanting to hear.
Suddenly, the weekend wasn’t just an obligation she had to drag herself through.
I asked her to formulate her new thought, and here’s what we got:
Old thought: “I should want to drive to this celebration 100% because I’m committed to the friendship.”
New thought: “Because I’m committed to this friendship, I get to do things that are meaningful.”
She literally lit up. She smiled, and I could hear the excitement in her voice when she said she felt lighter, like a weight had lifted. She had things to look forward to. Things to feel genuinely excited about.
And then she asked the question that every coach lives for:
“How did you do that?! Can you teach me?!”
The Truth About “Should” In Your Life
Here’s what I want you to notice about this story:
We didn’t solve all her underlying struggles with needing to give 100% to everything. We didn’t untangle the kind of pressure that can put on her in every facet of her life, or unpack what giving 100% even means.
What we did was reframe one specific situation; and that single reframe was enough to transform her experience of an entire weekend.
This is what happens when you stop thinking about what you “should” do in your life.
When you move from “I should want to do this” to “I get to do this,” everything changes. Not because the situation is different, but because you’re asking different questions and thinking different thoughts.
Instead of: “Why can’t I just be excited about this?”
You ask: “What about this could be meaningful? What could I enjoy? What’s already here that I love?”
What This Means for You
If you’re a single Catholic woman over 40 who feels unseen, unmotivated, and uncertain about your future, chances are you’re carrying a lot of “shoulds”:
- I should be grateful for my life as it is
- I should stop wanting things to be different
- I should be able to figure this out on my own
- I should feel more joy
And some people will tell you to just ditch obligation altogether, that it’s negative and you are not responsible or beholden to anyone.
But here’s the thing about obligation: it’s not always the enemy. It’s actually deeply embedded in our relationships. That’s part of what this client was struggling with – she valued the relationship so much, it wasn’t even an option in her mind NOT to go.
As Catholics, we understand this. Going to Mass on Sunday is an obligation. But it is an obligation born out of our relationship with God.
Over the years, I’ve learned what I most value about Mass: singing; finding the threads between the three readings; locating the tabernacle and knowing that God is right there; even the chance to catch the eye of a frazzled mom in the pew ahead and give her an encouraging smile that says “I’m so glad you’re here.” On days when I’m not excited about Mass, or I’m at a different parish and things are just a little off, I can still show up and lean into those things I love.
The difference? I’m not trying to manufacture feelings I don’t have. I’m being curious and asking: What’s already here that I love and enjoy? What is God trying to show me in this moment?
The same principle applies to the rest of your life. When obligation feels draining, it’s often because you’re focused on what you should feel instead of discovering what you could enjoy within what’s already required of you.
What if instead of trying to manufacture enthusiasm for what you think you should want, you got curious about what you actually do want?
What if you could look at your commitments – your job, your relationships, your daily life – and find the “get to” hidden inside the “have to”?
This is the work of Catholic coaching. Not guilting you into gratitude. But helping you see differently, ask better questions, and discover the joy that’s already available in your actual life, not some imaginary future one.
One Session Changed Her Weekend. What Could It Change For You?
My client walked into that session feeling dread. She walked out feeling lighter, excited, and curious about the tools that made that shift possible.
That’s what coaching can do. Not solve everything overnight, but give you the reframe, the questions, the perspective shift that changes how you experience your life right now.
If you’re drowning in “shoulds” and longing for a little more “get to,” if you’re ready to stop waiting for your life to look different before you can find joy, I’d love to talk with you.
This is what I help women discover: that Camino Joy isn’t waiting at the end of some long pilgrimage you haven’t started yet. It’s available now in the life you’re already living, when you learn to see it differently.
Interested in exploring what coaching could shift for you? I’m currently offering discovery calls for my “Finding Camino Joy” 6-week coaching program. Click here to schedule a time to talk.